And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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