He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
