I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
