i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
