we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
