I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you had me at cake vodka
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
