Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
