No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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