I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
