We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
