VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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