shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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