after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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