When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
