We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
