wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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