if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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