woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
