Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
