Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
