Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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