Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
