Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
