My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She bit a glass in half.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
