My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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