my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
