dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
