Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
high people should be assigned attendants
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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