So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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