Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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