i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
