oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
