I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
