Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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