I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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