Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Watching her eat just hurts me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
