Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
