my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
