first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
