At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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