In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
