and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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