I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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