Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
