the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
