She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
