theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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