I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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