Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's shark week go big or go home
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
