The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
