So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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